


Peace

by DAgron01



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28216194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAgron01/pseuds/DAgron01
Summary: A few years is a long time to wait when you are already sure of what you want.  Aster's POV post movie
Relationships: Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 5
Kudos: 112





	Peace

_“Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other”_

Aster thinks about the kiss Ellie gave her more than she cares to admit. And as she watches her leave, she can’t help thinking that waiting years for her is much too long. But she also hasn’t gotten over the fact that Ellie and Paul lied to her--even though part of her always knew Paul wasn’t the one she was writing letters to. Paul wasn’t the one she was falling for.

A month into her first semester, she decides to reach out to Ellie. She sends her a short “Hey…” text and waits impatiently for a response. It comes faster than she expects, and she finds herself feeling relieved at that.

They text infrequently for a month or so, until she decides to take another chance and suggests they write to each other also. It feels more intimate that way. But also, less terrifying somehow. Maybe it’s the fact that she doesn’t have to hold her breath and wait every time she sends a text hoping that Ellie will respond. Or maybe it’s because she misses writing letters to Ellie. Or maybe it’s the fact that letters allow herself to open up and feel vulnerable in a way that texts don’t. And she craves that kind of depth again. The kind that comes from knowing someone so intimately while actually not really knowing them at all.

Even though they’ve been handwriting letters to each other, they still text in between. The texts remain more superficial. Sort of a check in between when they really connect--through handwritten words in slanted cursive. She likes Ellie’s sloppy writing, even if sometimes it shoots a pang of hurt back in her chest. They lost so much time before. Lying. Pretending. Hiding. And she feels like, somehow, these letters; as intimate and genuine as they are now--they still create a distance between them. A distance she finds herself growing more and more annoyed with.

Eventually, they incorporate video chats into their weekly check-ins. Text daily, video chat weekly, and sending letters as often as the postal service can deliver them. It becomes a routine and it’s what gets Aster through her first semester of college. Unfortunately, she is unable to make it home for Thanksgiving, but is looking forward to winter break. She refuses to admit, even to herself, why she’s so excited to return to Squahamish at all. Let alone for weeks during a snowstorm. 

She loves school and falls in love with art all over again. But she’s ready to see Ellie in person. And she thinks she’s ready to have a real conversation with her. About what they are. About who and what she is. About where they go from here. Months ago, she had told Ellie that she would find herself. That she would be sure. Certain. She is actually surprised and impressed with who she has become. And she thinks that it’s time to prove it to Ellie as well. She has to try.

They meet in the same dinner she had her “dates” with Paul, and it seems almost poetic in a way. It seems just as destined as she knows they are.

“Hi.” Ellie says shyly when she arrives and takes a seat across from Aster. “It’s good to see you. Like...in person.”

Aster smiles. “I knew what you meant.”

“So, how was your flight?”

Aster shakes her head and smiles at her. “Is that really what you want to talk about? Road trips and school and all the boring small talk?” She takes a sip of her milkshake. “What’s next, are you going to ask me about the weather?”

“I heard New York is being hit with a blizzard, so I got out just in time.” Ellie tells her with a genuinely awkward smile.

Aster can’t help laughing. “Why is this so awkward? We talk all the time?”

Ellie frowns as she fidgets in her seat. “Maybe we already said everything we have to say.”

Aster stares at her--terrified. “Do you really think that?”

Ellie shrugs. “I don’t know. I am just as confused and lost as you are.”

Aster shakes her head. “I’m not lost anymore. I...I found myself. Through art. I joined an LGBT+ group at school. Met some great people. I...I came out to my dad yesterday.”

Ellie’s eyes widen. “Really? How’d he take it?”

“Not as many Bible verses as I expected.” She shrugs and focuses on the condensation pooling on the outside of her glass. “I think he knew. Or suspected.”

Ellie nods. “I’m glad it went okay. I...my dad knows about me, too. I guess...he asked Paul about it. I told Paul he could tell him...since it would save me the trouble and awkwardness. And...well, they bonded over it and everything. They surprised me with a rainbow cake over Thanksgiving.”

Aster smiles. “That’s nice.” Then she looks at Ellie carefully. “So, you and Paul...are still close?”

“He’s my best friend.” Her eyes widen and she whispers hastily. “Please don’t tell him I said that...he’ll be insufferable.”

That warms Aster’s heart more than she expected. She had assumed that talking about Paul would be off-limits. Or that she would be hurt by it, or even feel a bit jealous. But she doesn’t feel any of those things. Instead, she feels at peace. 

“Has he met anyone?” She ventures, for more common ground. Even though she wishes she had the courage to ask Ellie that question about herself.

“I think he has a crush on someone he goes to community college with. He won’t shut up about her. Merissa.”

Aster raises an eyebrow. “And has he asked you to write her any love letters yet?”

Ellie blushes. “We both learned our lesson about that.”

“Good to know.”

“I really am sorry, Aster. Neither of us ever met to hurt you.”

“I know.”

“So, have you met anyone. In your club? Or art class?” Ellie questions quietly.

Aster frowns at her. “I haven’t been looking.”

“Oh, that makes sense. You’ve been focused on finding yourself. And probably...it’s hard to trust anyone after what we did to you.”

“Ellie…”

“I’m glad you reached out to me. That you have forgiven me. It’s been nice to actually get to know you without any pretense or any misunderstandings between us.”

Aster nods wordlessly as she lets a comfortable silence fall between them. Eventually, she tries again.

“How about you?” She wonders.

“What about me?”

“Have you met anyone?” She asks as bravely as she can, but is so nervous about the actual answer.

Ellie fidgets again and takes a long drink of her milkshake and then she winces in pain.

“Brain freeze.” She says as she squints, and then shakes her head slightly.

“You have.” Aster breathes out shakily. “You like someone.”

Ellie sighs and won’t let her eyes meet Aster’s. And it is in that moment, that Aster’s heart completely shatters. How many times will she let this girl hurt her?

“It’s never going to happen.” Ellie states awkwardly. “Can we change the subject?”

Aster swallows thickly and averts her gaze. Once again, she finds herself focusing on the droplets of water falling down the outside of her glass. 

“What’s she like?” She doesn’t even know why she asks. 

She didn’t realize she was a masochist. But she needs to know. She needs to learn what kind of person could steal Ellie’s heart. Not that she is going to fight for her or anything. She didn’t have it in her. But she still needs to know. Why not her? What was so wrong with her?

Ellie is quiet for so long, Aster doesn’t think she’ll actually answer. But then she sighs and opens her mouth to speak.

“Forget it. I don’t want to know.” Aster decides. She’s suffered enough torture for one day. “I actually should get going.”

She attempts to stand, but Ellie’s voice stops her. “Please don’t go.”

And she once again is left helpless in the midst of the chaos of emotions swirling through her mind. But she stays. She doesn’t understand why, but she does.

“I’m proud of you, Aster.” Ellie tells her. “I should have said that earlier. But I’m proud of you for coming out to your Dad. And for pursuing your dreams. And finding yourself. You were right.”

“I was right? About what?”

“That you were going to show me. That you would have it all figured out.”

Aster scoffs at that. “I don’t have anything figured out.”

Ellie looks confused. “But you said…”

“I might know who I am now and I found my passion again. But that doesn’t mean I have everything all figured out.”

“At least you’re willing to try.” Ellie sighs again. “I had every opportunity to come out at college and I still haven’t. I haven’t really made any friends either. I only actually talk to you and Paul, and what good is that when I’m still so lonely there? I love the classes and the challenge...but I hate it, Aster. I hate being away from everything and everyone I care about. And you know I must be miserable if I actually miss Squahamish.”

“You hate it?”

“It took me until halfway through senior year of high school to let anyone in, Aster. And it felt nice. To let others see me...to feel like someone actually cared about my existence. I don’t know if I have it in me to wait another three years before I make a friend there.”

Aster softens and reaches across the table to take Ellie’s hands in her own. She squeezes them gently and looks Ellie in the eye.

“What are you so scared of? If you give them the chance...then they will be able to see what Paul and I have.”

“And what’s that?”

“You’re amazing, Ellie. You’re smart, and witty, and fun, and so freaking talented when it comes to music. You’re…” She takes a slow, steadying breath. “I’ve always noticed you. I wanted to get to know you through all of high school, because you are real. You’re kind. And that day we spent together...when I took you to my special hiding place. And you wore layers like a Russian Nesting Doll…”

Ellie smiles shyly and lowers her eyes, but she doesn’t remove her hands from Aster’s, which gives her the courage to continue.

“That was the single best day of my life. Which, yeah, I know. I’m pathetic.” She smiles at her with embarrassment. “I meant what I said about it being nice not talking about boys. That was the day I think I started to realize how different I was. How not into boys I was.”

Ellie furrows her brows as she listens intently.

“I kissed Paul that night...after our day together. Because...you scared me. And...I guess, it’s called Gay Panic. But…”

She inhales sharply. _Bold Stroke._ She reminds herself. Because this is absolutely the boldest stroke she could ever make.

“I was mad when I saw you kissing Paul. Not because I liked Paul...but because I realized I liked you.”

Ellie’s eyes widen and her mouth drops open.

“That’s why what you did hurt so much. And your speech about love...at church...it...part of me hoped you were talking about me. Telling me that you had fallen for me, because I have--I did fall for you. I still have feelings for you.”

Ellie licks her lips and Aster trails the movement with her eyes as she swallows audibly. Then she looks back up at Ellie and meets her eyes.

“Please say something. Anything.” She begs her as she holds her hand so tightly she fears she may cut off circulation.

“It’s you.” Is all Ellie says.

Aster stares at her in confusion as her eyebrows crease and a frown starts to mar her features.

“What?” She croaks.

“The girl I like. The one I assumed I didn’t have a chance with.” Ellie holds eye contact. “It’s you, Aster Flores.”

Aster thinks she’s crying, which is embarrassing. She lets go of Ellie’s hand and wipes at her own tears. She laughs at herself because she doesn’t know what else to do right now.

“Well...what do we do now?” She asks a few moments later, after she regains most of her composure.

Ellie leans in and wipes at a stray tear, then finds one of Aster’s hands and laces their fingers together.

“We still have a few weeks left of break, I say we make the most of it.” Ellie tells her.

Aster raises an eyebrow as she smiles at her. “What do you have in mind, Ellie Chu?”

“How about we start with a real date? One where we both have the same expectations this time.” Ellie offers.

“Do these expectations include a kiss? Because I’ve wanted to kiss you again ever since you left me in the middle of the street months ago.”

“I would like that. Very much.” Ellie admits less shyly this time. “I guess, we could just consider this our first date and then I can kiss you as soon as we get to your car.”

Aster laughs as she stands from the table. “I don’t think we can get to my car fast enough.” 

She leaves enough money to cover their tab and a generous tip, and drags Ellie out of the door with her. She is a lot more nervous as soon as they reach her car though. 

“For the record, this is actually our second date.” She feels the need to amend Ellie’s earlier statement. “I always considered our day together a date, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it.”

Ellie’s eyes dart from Aster’s eyes to her lips and she knows that this kiss will be even better than their first one. Because she is more than ready for it this time. And she also knows it won’t be their last.

She leans in and claims Ellie’s lips, as she pulls her impossibly closer. She uses the surprised gasp to her advantage and lets her tongue enter Ellie’s slightly parted lips. They kiss for who knows how long before she needs to back away to regain her composure and dignity.

“Sorry...I got carried away.” She admits as she rests her forehead against Ellie’s. “I can’t promise it won’t happen again, though.”

“I’m so glad you risked the bold stroke.” Ellie whispers just before kissing her again.

_And the last thing Aster can think before she loses herself to Ellie’s lips is, Me too._


End file.
